"ANIMALS being CUT UP to make Apple Watch straps"

That, folks, is the headline from this absurd click bait out of the The Register. Presumably hoping to capitalize off of the recent Cecil the Lion outrage, this ridiculous outlet is conflating the perfectly legal and environmentally sustainable practice of farmed animal harvesting with trophy hunting and poaching.

Here’s the gist of “Team Register’s” (I guess no single moron was willing to attach their name to this garbage) big, meaningful story:

The Register can reveal that beautiful animals are being cut down in their prime to make Apple Watch straps.

We at The Register‘s nature history desk were upset to discover that creatures such as the majestic ostrich, the noble alligator and the much-maligned shark are being used to make wrist securing devices for fruity wristjobs.

Geneva-based Golden Dreams is flogging hand-made Apple Watch straps – fabricated from the skin of these creatures – which are being offered in 160 attractive colours. …

Talking to a Golden Dreams representative, we were assured that the leather they used was farmed in Mississippi. “Everything we do is legal and within the rules,” the representative stated.

The Register has contacted Apple, but a representative has so far refused to talk to us.

Gee whiz, I wonder why Apple didn’t return an environmental propagandist’s calls about a third party using common animal materials to make Apple Watch bands. Maybe it’s because Apple doesn’t care, as the company engages in this very practice itself. Or are cows not “majestic” or “noble” enough to count as living, breathing, worthy animals in The Register’s fantasy play-land of vehement vegetarian conservationism?

Look, I can walk into my local grocery store right now and buy alligator, ostrich, and shark meat. My guess is that you probably can too. Similarly, I can go to my local outdoors outfitter and buy ostrich boots and snakeskin belts. These animals aren’t being killed for their skins and then left to the scavengers in the wild. The beef you eat? Their hides are worked into the leather goods that exist in every corner of every consumer marketplace. And these other animals are no different: every usable part is being utilized in the production of consumables.

As they should be.

I find it difficult to be concerned about companies using as much material as possible off of animals farmed for their meat. Why waste premium components in a compost heap when, in addition to the nutriment these animals offer, various brands can use their otherwise useless skins to make compelling and elegant consumer products? In grade school, I was taught that respect for animals extends to making use of every part of the kill. Most hunters (who actually donate real money to real conservation efforts, by the way) live by this code of honor. Heck, it’s even a much-admired First Nations tradition, and there’s no reason to denigrate it now. An ostrich Apple Watch band is not a rotting elephant carcass with its tusks sawed off. A shark-skin Apple Watch band does not come off of fish flayed alive and tossed back into the sea. And alligator meat sells just as well as its scaly skin, while their preserved skulls make a fine bit of mantelpiece decor.

At any rate, nonsense aside, we’ve reached out to Golden Dreams in an effort to maybe get a couple of these lovely bands to review. Of course, since these premium wares cost as much or more than our Apple Watches (around $650), we’re not holding out much hope, so pictures at the company’s website are probably the closest any of us are going to get.