Top Apple Watch Review Bottoms Out

As I write this, Google’s top-trending Apple Watch review is Jefferson Graham’s ill-informed series for USA TODAY. And he’s not impressed.

Now, that’s totally fine. Not everyone will like the thing, and I’ve been critical enough of certain aspects of Apple Watch to appreciate when a negative review brings up solid examples of real problems that need fixing. But whatever his other merits might be, Graham is something of a lazy know-nothing when it comes to this specific new tech, and his three-part series on why Apple Watch sucks is more an indictment of his own lack of professionalism than any shortcoming out of Cupertino.

Here’s an excerpt from his chronicle of his “rough first day” with the wearable:

In my first seven hours with a review unit of the watch on Thursday, I found myself incredibly frustrated with endless nags to type in a passcode, a screen that constantly went dark and confusion about simple navigation. And oh, the battery was 100% dead within seven hours, although Apple says that was probably due to not being fully charged before use.

It’s fully charged now, and I’ll be back to you later this weekend with an update.

(UPDATE: The passcode nag went away after I tightened the watch strap. While it still urges me to sign in over and over again–that’s only if the watch is off the wrist. When worn, I only had to sign in once–or every time I put the watch on. So if you plan to show the watch off to friends and pass it around–plan on signing in again and again.)

Got that? This guy received a review unit he knew to be used, didn’t charge it or even check its battery status before putting it (too-loosely) on, and then complained when it didn’t last a full day. He actually needed Apple to tell him to charge the battery. He also managed to stumble through Apple Watch’s security and identification setup without understanding how the system works, even though that’s been a highly-publicized feature from the moment Apple Watch was announced last year. There’s ill-informed, and there’s willfully uninformed. I’m thinking Graham is the latter.

Here’s some choice nonsense from his second day with the device:

The Watch is best when it comes to telling time, looking cool and sending and receiving notifications. These work flawlessly, and if Apple had just left it at that, I’d say the watch was a home run.

The Achilles’ heel are the apps. Apple has promoted an iPhone-like app experience on a product that simply can’t handle it — at least for now, and way too many of the apps are slow, buggy or just unresponsive.

I’ll address my response directly to Graham himself:

One, if Apple Watch does all the things you like (for which you would go so far as to consider the device a “home run”), how do extra capabilities — that you can, you know, turn off — reduce its merit re: the fundamentals you’re so pleased with? Why not just disable the aspects you don’t like and turn the thing into your sports-scoring metaphor of choice? Your argument is that Apple Watch is awesome at all the stuff you want a smartwatch to do, but since it does a whole bunch more wholly optional stuff that you don’t like (or, more accurately, that you don’t remotely understand), it’s a failure. That’s like saying iPhone’s no good because Game Center is stupid, Newsstand is useless, and you haven’t got anyone to FaceTime with.

Two, the apps aren’t the problem. The real issue is that you’re peddling a false narrative to account for your own divergent philosophies. You say “Apple has promoted an iPhone-like app experience on a product that simply can’t handle it,” but did they really? I’ve been covering Apple Watch for almost half a year now, and I’ve never once heard Apple say the wearable was made to offer an iPhone-like experience of any kind, whether with apps or otherwise. On the contrary, they’ve been pushing pretty hard the notion that the device offers an entirely new type of personal computing experience, and they’ve extended this concept to apps at literally every opportunity.

That said, I won’t argue that the initial batch of apps is underwhelming overall (due mostly to Apple’s severely limited SDK), but look at the mindless fluff you’re using: Yelp, Target, USA TODAY, and Huffington Post. These are mega-brand me-too apps that don’t have a realistic use case for smartwatches in the first place, and you’ve based your entire damning review on their shortcomings. Would it be too much to ask you to use something that makes decent use of Glances or notifications before writing the whole idea off as a no-go? If all you wanted Apple Watch for was reading the news or shopping in a department store, you’ve wasted your money and turned your back on your own capacity for rational thought and creativity. (As an aside: Would you make the argument that apps are iPhone’s Achilles’ heel, too? I mean, bad apps outnumber good apps by several orders of magnitude on the App Store, after all.)

Fortunately, Graham seems slightly more judicious in his third essay, but it still has its moments:

— Too much dark screen. The watch face goes black most of the time, unless you flick your wrist to turn it on. I understand this is to save battery life. But sometimes there’s a maddening delay, and your expensive bragging device has nothing to show for it. This is frustrating.

— Fix the passcode issue. When I first got the watch, I stopped by photo website Smugmug to show it off to a group of guys there, and we passed it around the room, similar to (I’ve got to imagine) what other folks did when they played show and tell with their new purchase. Apple makes you sign in with a passcode every time the watch comes to life if it’s off the wrist. And that’s a drag. …

Once again, this is an Apple Watch, not an iPhone. And while it’s not very watch-like in most ways, it has been designed to be worn like one. It’s not made to be passed around the table. Stop bragging about your new toy and use it as intended, and both of these last two issues evaporate.

Apple Watch isn’t for shallow people. Okay, yes, it can be, but they clearly won’t get as much technological use out of the thing. All you need to get the most out of yours is to do a little research, consider your own use cases, and eschew your unrealistic expectations. If you want Apple Watch to be an iPhone on your wrist, you don’t want an Apple Watch. Just buy one of these instead.